"Thou shalt always, erm..."

I fester still in a stew of ailment. Unable to leave the house over the weekend, my boredom over almost drove me insane. As did the grotesque amount of decongestants and Lemsip that coarsed through my veins... Immersed in this quixotic ennui, I was somehow inspired to compose a particularly Irish version of "Thou Shalt Always Kill" by good old Dan le Sac Vs Scroobius Pip.... It was a probably a mistake. Bemusing implications:

Thou shalt not steal from a direct victim. Be sneaky.

Thou shalt not respect political rivals or refuse false profits.

Thou shalt not take the name of Our Lord God in vain. Respect your Catholic roots or perish! Etc.

Thou shalt not think any Minister of Finance handling obscene amounts of cash without a bank account is a criminal... Some people are just nice.

Thou shalt not read the Indo.

Thou shalt not stop liking rugby just because we've become shit.

Thou shalt not "text-in" Ray D'Arcy.

Thou shalt not disrespect the single immigrant mother.

Thou shalt not judge her by any means contrary to the other.

Thou shalt not buy "smoothie-makers".

Thou shalt not customise Honda Civics.

Thou shalt not go into Coppers with your boyfriend's best friend, drink Baby Guinness and then puke on him.

Thou shalt not take advantage so easily.

Thou shalt not use poetry, art or music to get into girls' pants... The good/gullible ones are already taken.

Thou shalt not watch Fair City.

Thou shalt not attend an open mic if you live outside Dublin, Galway, Cork or Limerick... Rural Ireland is culturally retarded.

Thou shalt not return to the same club or bar, week in, week out, just because you may well pull a horrendously drunk young one you Tommy Hilfiger-attired gimp.

Thou shalt not put gap years and holiday destinations on ridiculous pedestals no matter how great they are or were.

Sydney - Just a city.
Cairns - Just a pit stop.
Fraser - Just an island.
Kakadu - Just a park.
Great Ocean Road - Just infrastructure.
Ayers - Just a rock.
Bondi - Just a beach.
The Opera House - Just a photo.
Kangaroos - Just bouncy mice.
Labouring a point - Just for kicks.

The Next Big Cliche - Just go and shut up.

Thou shalt give equal worth to tragedies that occur in non-English speaking countries as to those that occur in English speaking countries... Then organise a futile rock concert in a park with Scrooge Geldof, "raise awareness" and achieve fuck all.

Thou shalt remember that guns, bitches and bling were never part of the four elements... [Insert Limerick joke here]

Thou shalt not frequent repetitive generic niteclubs.
Thou shalt not frequent repetitive generic niteclubs.
Thou shalt not frequent repetitive generic niteclubs.
Thou shalt not frequent repetitive generic niteclubs.

Thou shalt not Pimp My Ride (on TG4).

Thou shalt not watch that homophobic Jehovah's Tart on Paisean Faisean.

Thou shalt not hate the English soccer team out of nationalistic spite.

Thou shalt hate them because of Fat Lampard, and they're shite.

When someone roars "Heeey!", thou shalt not scream "Baaaby!"

When I say "gift", thou shalt not assume "Grub".

When the DJ drops The Saw Doctors, thou shalt not form a hideous sweaty ring in the middle of the dancefloor. Yet probably will all the same.

(Ah, forgot where I was, hang on)

Thou shalt not quote Rihanna when it rains.

Thou shalt not shake it like a Polaroid picture after half a bottle of Mickey Finns.

Thou shalt not convince your less attractive friend she is a freak like ye.

Thou shalt call the place "Dingle", not "An Daingean", you self-righteous, futile, and antiquated Gaeltacht types... Regardless of how often Fungi goes AWOL.

Thou shalt not express your shock at the fact that Murph and Damo did not get into the club by telling the gigantic Polish bouncer that you will "bate the fuckin' crap out of him!"

Thou shalt drink for yourselves!

And thou shalt always... Thou shalt always... spill.

Dan Le Sac vs Scroobius Pip 'Thou Shalt Always Kill' (Youtube)