Wednesday 31 October 2007

Spaced... Being Remade For US TV... By The Director Of Charlie's Angels.

Spaced is one of my favourite comedies ever. I really do love it. I find myself oddly validated by its hilarious portraits of directionless mid-20s fuck ups. Ergo, the following news has upset me somewhat.

The brainchild of Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright et al is set for a US television reinvention. The idea of this alone is quite possibly enough to irritate the purists amongst you. However, it gets worse. Much worse... The US version of Spaced will be produced by McG. Yup, McG, the understated auteur behind both Charlie's Angels and Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle. But wait, there's more. The show will be written by Adam Barr, a former writer on Will & Grace.

Jesus Christ. I need some absinthe.

I mean, the director of Charlie's Angels will surely fathom and replicate the subtle explorations of the following scene:

And Tyres will, like, so work on American television:

Seriously, I need some absinthe.

Tuesday 30 October 2007

The Unbearable Shiteness Of Being?

Or... How I Learned To Stop Worrying & Needlessly Punish Myself With Absinthe.

Fuck the fetishism of Hemingway. There truly is no dignity in the consumption of that puke. The helpless fool lies, wistfully fingering the atrophied remnants of the soul... And yet, for all such parallax Wisdom, I know that the bank holiday weekend will eventually become nothing but a degenerate regret.

In the meantime, I must start a new job and find a new apartment in Galway. Could this be any more fun:

Thursday 25 October 2007

Mondovision... C'est Fantastique!

Luigi&Luigi is a post-production design shop in Paris. Mondovision is a mashup project of theirs. World music performances, Mexican soap opera dialogue, introductory salsa videos... This is indeed a miscellany that fractures convention. Enjoy the following excerpts.

Chuckey's Dream:


De Gaffer Is Dead! Long Live De Gaffer!

The next Irish international football manager?

I know a guy who works in the bookies. He just gave me the inside track on the current favourites to succeed Steve Staunton as Irish manager. They are as follows:

Katy French - 4/5

Steve Staunton - 7/2

Enda Kenny's forehead - 8/1

A damp shoebox of chimpanzee elbow scrapings - 11/1

Eustace The Anorexic Badger from Kinnegad - 13/1

David O'Leary - 22/1

Sigh. As Stangate and the ensuing media scrum continue to envelope all, I would argue that even a modicum of perspective would be rather darling... That said, I won't be holding my breath.

Wednesday 24 October 2007

Dear Avid Reader,

Somebody recently asked me why I bothered blogging. To answer their question I quoted a certain Joseph Conrad:

"In literary action a man wins friends for himself mostly by the passion of his prejudices and the consistent narrowness of his outlook."

A fair summary of my tendencies here at The New(ish) Journalism... Yet, a man can also acquire friends via the gnarled subtleties of his MySpace page. I must confess to being obscenely late in joining the MySpace brigade, being otherwise consumed by the Bebo imperative. However, do feel free to add me as a friend... Unless you are the spamming type. In which case you can go fellate an exhaust pipe.

This is my MySpace. Check it out. If you want like.

Apologies for the unbelievably half-arsed nature of this post, but I am very busy at the moment. Indeed, posting could be rather intermittent over the next few days. I am on the job hunt you see, floundering in a turlough of interview prep and cover letters... Any takers?

Tuesday 23 October 2007

Mexican Institute Of Sound

The turntablistic nous of Mexican Institute Of Sound has been receiving some heavy rotation chez moi over the past few days. Perhaps it is a reaction to the quintessentially Hibernian weather we are currently enduring. Or perhaps it is due to the deftness with which the Institute - actually only one man, Camilo Lara - renders his beat collages. For arguments sake, I'll go with the latter.

Lara's latest album is called Pinata, and was released in July of this year. A sophisticated smorgasbord of modern latin hip hop, electronica, old school samples, laser effects and miscellaneous other musical trivialities... This is party music without farce, intelligent in design. If it sometimes asks that little bit extra of the listener, it nonetheless retains a consistent sense of fun. The effervescent spirit of el mariachi permeates completely... Basically, an early J5 era Nu-Mark or DJ Format block party buzz. But Mexican.

Two album tracks are available for 'perusal' over at the superlative Aurgasm.

Alternatively, you can lounge back and enjoy this half arsed youtube-ing of lead single "El Microfono". Such a sweet tune:

"But you're no stranger, you really are Ronald McDonald!"

Right. Okay. So, the McDonald's Corporation is actually the manifestation of pure evil... This freak is worse than Pennywise:

Monday 22 October 2007

"Good afternoon to you! We're talking to Unfulfilled McVapid from Clontarf..."

"Well, I have three children myself Joe. And I just have to say that I was absolutely appalled by this Halloween costume for babies. It's just sick Joe."

"Sure, sure."

"I mean I don't mind telling you this now Joe, but I nearly wet myself in frigid terror when I saw Alien twenty years ago. And to think now that this child is being forced to go through the same ordeal. Unbelievable. I just needed to talk to someb... I mean, share this outrage with you and your listeners."

"Sure, sure, sure..."

And so on and so forth. Joe adopts a needlessly sombre tone, whilst quietly thumbing through his Thesaurus for Uppity Plonkers. The caller's desperate insecurities are temporarily assuaged, as she wobbles back to her midday Manhattan. I mock, and forget what this post is even about.

Sunday 21 October 2007

"Arrah sure, me decidedly latent Irish Catholic Guilt is killing me all the same!"

Alas, this is just too funny:

French artist Soasig Chamaillard offering a somewhat iconoclastic interpretation of the Virgin Mary. Imacculately rendered... Link, via Miniature Brainwave.

Saturday 20 October 2007

Help! - A Slight Review

Help! is a one act play devised by the abnormally artistic Tiernan clan. It is directed by stand-up comedian Tommy, a man of whom you may have heard. It stars his cousin, comedian and actor Eleanor Tiernan, and his sister, actor Niamh Tiernan. Events play out like so.

Eleanor is a stand up comedian who has just "died on her hole" at the prestigious Mullingar International Comedy Festival. The repercussion of this catastrophe for Eleanor would seem to be a total nervous breakdown... A breakdown that can only be stopped by the intervention of Niamh, Eleanor's alter ego/sinister subconscious/glorious idol. However, Eleanor has another gig tomorrow night so they best get busy.

'Busy' would certainly be a fitting adjective to describe Help! There is a lot going on in this single act. The intense insecurities and neuroses of the stage performer are deconstructed by both players, to hilarious effect. The mythic aura that envelopes Samuel Beckett is torn asunder by constant jibes at his oeuvre throughout. They still like him though... There is even time for a 10 minute comedy routine from Eleanor, during which the actor subsides and the stand up takes centre stage. A welcome mutation, as this woman is damn funny. That Jane Austen punchline had me in tears!

Seamless pacing, superb performances, (sometimes) weighty subject matter and perfect comic timing... Attending this play is a most worthwhile experience. Y'all.

Help! has just come to the end of a lunchtime run in The Ruby Room in The King's Head in Galway.

Be sure and give these a look:

The MySpace of Help!
The MySpace of Eleanor Tiernan
Eleanor Tiernan's Newsreader School (Balcony TV)

Wednesday 17 October 2007

Random Stuff in Brief

1. Rubber ducks can travel 17,000 miles and survive for fifteen years at sea.

2. Some Russian men like to
marry their grannies.

3. Glowing Orwell's impossible pizza! This
Will Ferrell Movie Generator really is remarkably accurate.

4. The new video from Brazilian MC Edu K... My eyes! They bleed! Figuratively! The end of baile funk chic must come soon.

5. Babylon Fields is the one of the most insane TV pilots never to be greenlit... Zombies come back from the dead, enjoy some sex/necrophilia with their recently bereaved partners, then attempt to solve murders. Amazing. Watch some of it here.

6. It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Truly the funniest show on television:

The Preeminence Of The Xmas Decoration

Or... How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Appreciate That CSI Boxset.

Monday 15 October 2007

The Bullets Of Tunng

I am quite fond of the folksy acoustics and faintly fey electronica of Tunng. "Bullets" is a sumptuous delight; probably my favourite track from this year's Good Arrows. The accompanying video is a nonsense of Gondryesque proportions. Too lovely:

Fear And Loathing In Gonzovision

Fear And Loathing In Gonzovision (Google Video)

I'm assuming that some of you have already seen this 1978 BBC documentary about Hunter S Thompson before... However, if you have not, then be sure to set aside some time for a viewing.

This is an affecting (if occasionally cloying) portrait of a writer very much at odds with his public persona. Exactly whose existence is being scrutinised here? That of the "normal" Hunter S Thompson or the turbulent extremes of Correspondent Duke? How does the man salvage his own personal humanity from the madman rhetoric he fervently espouses? Funny, wise and true, a malignant soothsayer, yet also a husband and a father... A twisted dichotomy that was never resolved.

Interestingly, this documentary features an initial meeting between Hunter, illustrator Ralph Steadman and a screenwriter in Hollywood. They meet to discuss the premise for Where The Buffalo Roam (1980). Starring Bill Murray as HST, that film invested completely in the myth surrounding the man, and as a result is completely devoid of emotional resonance or depth. Hunter Thompson himself derided it as "cartoony crap", and I would have to agree.

To focus solely on the Drugs, Booze and Mayhem was to utterly miss the point. There was so much more to the man.

Saturday 13 October 2007

Gigs Of (The Rest Of) The Year

Buzzes do not come any more ludicrously savage than this. My excitement is such that I have interrupted an important weekend's debauchery to blog it up. We must have been good people, because we are in for some serious treats.

On Friday 21st November one has the opportunity to see
The Go! Team, Cadence Weapon, and Super Extra Bonus Party in Tripod... This can not be missed. The Go! Team are a superb live act who have released one of the albums of the year in Proof Of Youth. Cadence Weapon is one of the most exciting acts in hip-hop, a consistent fountain of dopeness. Super Extra Bonus Party? You lot should already know about my grá for those lads... Buy tickets for the impending wickedness here.

Nialler speaks of a burgeoning Cadence Weapon remix for Super Extra Bonus Party. How freakin' cool is that!

In other excellent gig-related news, the Irish
Dan Deacon dates have been confirmed. Mister Deacon shall visit Galway (Róisín Dubh, November 30th), Sligo (Model Arts, December 1st) and Dublin (Whelan’s, December 2nd).

Dan Deacon in me beloved Róisíns. The rapturous bedlam of that event in Tripod. Life is indeed good... I take my leave of you now my friends. Misplaced self-confidence, unnecessary man chats, and the fervent consumption of sweet liquor awaits.

Thursday 11 October 2007

"And not a lot of people know that!" # 2

2. The United States Of America: the democratic home of some truly fantastic lawmakers.

In Massachusetts, it is against the law to put tomatoes in clam chowder.

In the state of New Jersey, it is illegal to sell cabbage on a Sunday.

In Chicago it is illegal to fish whilst sitting on a giraffe's neck.

In Wyoming one may not take a photograph of a rabbit from January to April without obtaining an official permit.

In Virginia, the Code of 1930 has a statute that prohibits corrupt practices or bribery by any person other than political candidates. (
Is that Bertie Ahern I hear salivating profusely?)

You have to hand it to the Texans though. Literal adherence to the Bible sure does enliven the mind:

In Texas, it is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.

The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.

When two trains meet each other at a Texan railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.

Altogether now... And not a lot of people know that!

Wednesday 10 October 2007

Let's Dance To Joy Division!

INT - Dingy Indie Basement Nightclub.

Impressionable Youth #1:

Are you being ironic?

Impressionable Youth #2:

I don't even know anymore.

Strangely enough this song is called "Let's Dance To Joy Division". Liverpudlian group The Wombats sing it. Theirs is a particularly gaudy myspace.

Willie Van Groundskeeper

Quite clever indeed. Other examples of such ingenuity can be located here.

Tuesday 9 October 2007

Dublin Stories

Today over at That's Ireland, Michael mentioned a series of comedy mockumentaries called Dublin Stories. A series made by Novara Films and comedy sketch group Diet of Worms. These are quirky and surrealist slices of abnormality posing as normality. Witness the oddities of Dublin "characters" being laid bare. Their confessions are often dark, but always funny:

I worked with "Frank" during the Galway Film Fleadh. Sound chap. Honest!

More stories can be found here.

RTÉ's The English Class

The English Class is RTÉ's latest comedy offering. I missed the first episode last week, so I caught the second one last night.

Adjectives flounder at a chasm of mongrel incompetence.

I should launch into a vitriolic deconstruction of everything that is wrong about this 'comedy', but I am too tired. Not physically tired mind, but emotionally. That vapid muck has sucked from me the will to hate.

It was The Office re-imagined by a mental patient with a penchant for crippled puppy torture and the IQ of a satchel of soggy, lukewarm nappies.

It was more excruciating than Twink playing the title role in "Dida: The Musical".

It was like a Michael Bay film without explosions or breasts.

Monday 8 October 2007

Polysics - New Wavin' Go Go Jump Go!!!

A mate of mine has recently begun to pontificate about a peculiar Japanese collective called Polysics. According to their myspace, the band were formed in 1998 "in homage to the high energy and eccentric music of the 1980’s New Wave scene". As a consequence, apeshit electro-punk-pop noodling is their buzz... Polysics Or Die!!!! is the title of their current release, a collection of the best tracks from their previous albums. A 'best of', if you will. "Electric Surfin' Go Go" is the lead single:

Apparently, Polysics admire Devo. I must say that there are subtle aesthetic similarities between the two groups... If you look hard enough, that is:

A bit of a giggle all the same, wha?

Strike! Hollywood Gets Busy.

I pity the fool that messes up the burgeoning movie debut of B.A. & Co.

News of an impending strike in Hollywood has been circulating for quite some time... Image rights, advertising on the Internet, adequate remuneration, miscellaneous other grievances... The Writers Guild, the Directors Guild and the Screen Actors Guild shall all strike by June of next year, if negotiations with the Producers Guild do not get settled between now and then. The threat of such action has understandably caused considerable panic amongst Hollywood executives, and a result many projects are being fast-tracked for production before the (possible) strike would commence... You see, while it may come as a surprise to some of you guys, altruism and camaraderie can be at something of a premium at the high end of the biz.

However, you (possibly) care not for such the industrial machinations of Planet Movie Star. Therefore, onto the fun stuff. Due to this sudden rush, studios have sent lists of their most imperative projects to casting agents in order to attract talent quickly. The full list of movies is
here. Yet, below lies a collection of the ones that caught my eye. They are divided into two categories: Savage Buzz and Michael Bay Sodomised My Brain And All I Got Was This Lousy Sense Of Righteous Indignation.

Savage Buzz:

- Jean Pierre Jeunet's adaptation of Yann Martel's
Life of Pi. This chap is a master of the quixotic. I just hope his CGI expertise is up to scratch.

World War Z. Ten years after the human triumph over the world wide zombie epidemic - referred to as World War Z - Max Brooks scours the world collecting the stories and experiences of those who have survived the conflict that almost eradicated humanity... A difficult one to compose this. Interesting concept though.

- The Coen brothers, who are already directing
Burn After Reading pre-strike, are going to try to squeeze in
A Serious Man - a Fargo-ish dark comedy - before June.

- Hunter S Thompson's The Rum Diary. Starring Johnny Depp (the embodiment of HST in Fear & Loathing...) and directed by Bruce Robinson (Mr. Withnail & I). This could be immense. The book is.

- The A-Team. Need I say more?

Michael Bay Sodomised My Brain And All I Got Was This Lousy Sense Of Righteous Indignation:

- The Birdcage 2, and The Fast and The Furious 4 are in development... Think about that. Somebody pitched these movies. Somebody agreed to finance them. Now people are desperate to get them made!

- Big Momma's House 3... Martin Lawrence, almost as annoying as Michael Bay.

- Comeback. An 'inspirational' sports drama starring Ice Cube, directed by Fred Durst. Yes, that Fred Durst.

- Star Trek. Directed by Tom Cruise's buddy J.J. Abrams... Nothing in particular bothers me about this project except the fact that Trekkie 'culture' is one of the most retarded things to happen to humanity since the Catholic Church's prohibition of Galileo Galilei's advocacy of heliocentrism as potentially factual.


Friday 5 October 2007

Dan Deacon Newsflash - Irish Dates In November & December

Scooptastic! Delightful vibrations shall be bountiful when the messianic freak they call Dan Deacon returns to Ireland on the following dates (according to his myspace):

November 29th.
November 30th.
December 1st.

Gig venues have yet to be confirmed, but it would probably be safe to assume the following: Dublin (Whelan's - the 30th is the only date available - or Crawdaddy - all dates available), Galway (Róisín Dubh - the 29th and 30th are available), and Cork (Liquid Lounge - all dates available).

There is precious little news that could make me happier. It's gonna be big:

UPDATE @ 16:46 - Apparently two of his Irish dates have already
been confirmed: Sligo (Model Niland) on Dec 1st and Dublin (Whelan's) on Dec 2nd. Who to thank for the tip? Why Nialler, of course.

Sweeney Todd Trailer

Alas, there is no considerable singing to be heard in this trailer. Bloody dismemberment is also at something of a premium. And yet... Stunning aesthetics, Alan Rickman as the bad guy, an appearance from Borat, and another gleefully odd turn from Johnny Depp:

I'm excited. Are you?

Willie O'Dea? In A Fight? Never.

Willie O'Dea TD, Minister for Defence.

Apparently, Willie O'Dea TD tried to start a fight with some people in a pub in Limerick. It was about Shannon or the price of lemon sherbet or some such terribly important issue... To be honest, I grow weary of cyclical spin drivel.

That said, one aspect of this 'story' did grasp my attention. Willie's defence:

"Minister O'Dea admitted he may have been 'dismissive' and said he may have told the pair to 'get lost, sod off or feck off' but that he did not use stronger language, as was reported in a number of newspapers today... He said it would be foolish of him to suggest going outside to fight with a man of 6'5" plus, and said this did not happen."

Fantastic. Willie O'Dea TD chose not to fight the man not because it would be an immoral and stupid act by a representative of the people, but because he would have got his arse kicked... I must admit to a certain curiosity here. Willie, what if he had been a dwarf? A blind dwarf, with rheumatoid arthritis?

Too much? Either way, our Minister for Defence folks!

Thursday 4 October 2007

Transformers 2 - A Michael Bay Sequel

First up, this is Megan Fox in the first Transformers movie. If you have not seen the first one, this is pretty much it right here:

It has all been confirmed. Decency, creativity, and the concept of film-as-art-form are now certain to be violated once more by the gargantuan salty strap-on that is Michael Bay's ego... Yes, there will be a sequel... Yes, he is directing again... The release date for this impending sodomy: June 26, 2009.

There is a new writer, Ehren Kruger. Yet his arrival on the scene offers little hope. Previous credits include Scream 3, Reindeer Games, and The Skeleton Key... Such a triumvirate of rubbish from just one man. It beggars belief.

As somebody who would dearly love to forge a career as a writer/director, the endurance of Michael Bay aggravates me intensely. Let me put it this way...

"Hey John! We're gonna go see the new Michael Bay movie, wanna come?"

"No thanks guys! I've got plans."

"What plans?"

"Well, I'm just gonna stay in for the night, be lectured on racial equality by Kevin Myers, whilst being given a striptease by a hormonal Twink... It should be just as enjoyable really!"

"Wait" - ASC (My Music Video Debut)

The band is called ASC. The track is called "Wait":

I worked on this music vid shoot during the summer and I must say it was a really good, enjoyable shoot. I got to meet a lot of cool folks, especially the crew at Tilted Pictures (
view more). Not to forget the band themselves, sound lads one and all.

Check ASC out at:

Check the video out on Channel 6 in the near future.

Oh, in case you were curious about my aforementioned music video debut... Well, that were me and Claire - lovely girl - being sketched outside the café at 01:39 in. A rather minuscule cameo, yet such devastating screen presence!

Wednesday 3 October 2007

The Ballinasloe Horse Fair

Ah, the subtle bourgeois charm of the Fair...

Brilliant pictures, pilfered from the Bebo page of my mate Ronan. With his consent of course... Oh, to be a caption writer for the Sunday Independent!

Tuesday 2 October 2007

"And not a lot of people know that!" # 1

And so we find ourselves at the first in a sporadic series of utterly trivial pieces of information... Nothing shall be too inconsequential folks. There will be no rhyme and reason to it all. Do enjoy!

# 1. Sloane Peterson marries James Bond's young fella. And the heir to The Muppet Show. Whilst flying.

Yup. It would seem that Mia Sara - the actress who played the delectable Sloane Peterson in John Hughes' classic
Ferris Bueller's Day Off - has led quite an interesting life since her 1980s heyday.

She is a qualified pilot. She was inspired to learn after her action packed role in Van Damme's

She was once married to Sean Connery's son, Jason, for six years.

She is now married to Brian Henson, the son of the legendary Jim Henson.

Altogether now... And not a lot of people know that!

Super Size Me - The Video Game

I noticed a link to this wee online game over at Boing Boing... Ladies and gentlemen, the McDonald's Video Game:

Basically, in the McDonald's Video Game the player assumes control of McDonald's. A tough gig... The pressures of a CEO are immense. Profits must be achieved. Boards of directors must be satisfied. Customer needs must be met, and duly manipulated. Protesters must be silenced... Everything must be done to ensure a smooth and profitable transience into McBillionaire territory. There are no rules.

Running low on cattle feed? Chuck some more industrial waste and growth hormones into the troughs... Need to grow more GM maize? Simply level another few miles of South American rain forest... What? That cow is diseased? It's cheaper just to process him... Paulo just won't stop frowning at his till even though you gave him another gold star? Fire the ingrate... Parents are worried that fast food is actually bad for their children? Just sign another deal with Disney for The Lion King XI: Simba's Colostomy Bag... Oh, and don't forget to bribe the relevant nutritionists and diet experts!

Yup, this quick and easy procedural strategy game pulls no punches in critiquing the malevolent omnipotence of Ronald Mc. Calling this a work of satire barely does it justice... This is genius.

However, it is also very unsettling. Play it for a while (as I did) and you will soon find yourself chucking in the growth hormones with gusto. Business morals and ethics? Bollocks to that! The staff and the public mean nothing as you blindly quest for a higher profit margin. "I can't believe these saps (pixels) are paying for this muck!", you chuckle as the queues lengthen and your Vice-CEO applauds.

All very Faustian... McFun anyone?

Monday 1 October 2007

"Thou shalt always, erm..."

I fester still in a stew of ailment. Unable to leave the house over the weekend, my boredom over almost drove me insane. As did the grotesque amount of decongestants and Lemsip that coarsed through my veins... Immersed in this quixotic ennui, I was somehow inspired to compose a particularly Irish version of "Thou Shalt Always Kill" by good old Dan le Sac Vs Scroobius Pip.... It was a probably a mistake. Bemusing implications:

Thou shalt not steal from a direct victim. Be sneaky.

Thou shalt not respect political rivals or refuse false profits.

Thou shalt not take the name of Our Lord God in vain. Respect your Catholic roots or perish! Etc.

Thou shalt not think any Minister of Finance handling obscene amounts of cash without a bank account is a criminal... Some people are just nice.

Thou shalt not read the Indo.

Thou shalt not stop liking rugby just because we've become shit.

Thou shalt not "text-in" Ray D'Arcy.

Thou shalt not disrespect the single immigrant mother.

Thou shalt not judge her by any means contrary to the other.

Thou shalt not buy "smoothie-makers".

Thou shalt not customise Honda Civics.

Thou shalt not go into Coppers with your boyfriend's best friend, drink Baby Guinness and then puke on him.

Thou shalt not take advantage so easily.

Thou shalt not use poetry, art or music to get into girls' pants... The good/gullible ones are already taken.

Thou shalt not watch Fair City.

Thou shalt not attend an open mic if you live outside Dublin, Galway, Cork or Limerick... Rural Ireland is culturally retarded.

Thou shalt not return to the same club or bar, week in, week out, just because you may well pull a horrendously drunk young one you Tommy Hilfiger-attired gimp.

Thou shalt not put gap years and holiday destinations on ridiculous pedestals no matter how great they are or were.

Sydney - Just a city.
Cairns - Just a pit stop.
Fraser - Just an island.
Kakadu - Just a park.
Great Ocean Road - Just infrastructure.
Ayers - Just a rock.
Bondi - Just a beach.
The Opera House - Just a photo.
Kangaroos - Just bouncy mice.
Labouring a point - Just for kicks.

The Next Big Cliche - Just go and shut up.

Thou shalt give equal worth to tragedies that occur in non-English speaking countries as to those that occur in English speaking countries... Then organise a futile rock concert in a park with Scrooge Geldof, "raise awareness" and achieve fuck all.

Thou shalt remember that guns, bitches and bling were never part of the four elements... [Insert Limerick joke here]

Thou shalt not frequent repetitive generic niteclubs.
Thou shalt not frequent repetitive generic niteclubs.
Thou shalt not frequent repetitive generic niteclubs.
Thou shalt not frequent repetitive generic niteclubs.

Thou shalt not Pimp My Ride (on TG4).

Thou shalt not watch that homophobic Jehovah's Tart on Paisean Faisean.

Thou shalt not hate the English soccer team out of nationalistic spite.

Thou shalt hate them because of Fat Lampard, and they're shite.

When someone roars "Heeey!", thou shalt not scream "Baaaby!"
When I say "gift", thou shalt not assume "Grub".
When the DJ drops The Saw Doctors, thou shalt not form a hideous sweaty ring in the middle of the dancefloor. Yet probably will all the same.

(Ah, forgot where I was, hang on)

Thou shalt not quote Rihanna when it rains.

Thou shalt not shake it like a Polaroid picture after half a bottle of Mickey Finns.

Thou shalt not convince your less attractive friend she is a freak like ye.

Thou shalt call the place "Dingle", not "An Daingean", you self-righteous, futile, and antiquated Gaeltacht types... Regardless of how often Fungi goes AWOL.

Thou shalt not express your shock at the fact that Murph and Damo did not get into the club by telling the gigantic Polish bouncer that you will "bate the fuckin' crap out of him!"

Thou shalt drink for yourselves!

And thou shalt always... Thou shalt always... spill.

Dan Le Sac vs Scroobius Pip 'Thou Shalt Always Kill' (Youtube)