Wednesday 22 August 2007

Derek Whelan Is NOT The Bogeyman

It is indeed a rare occurrence that will make The New(ish) Journalism feel sympathy for a bank. This story just happens to be such a rarity:

Bank of Ireland has been forced to rethink its latest big budget ad campaign after inadvertently upsetting a customer, it emerged today.

A new 30 second television ad for mortgage advice originally showed a hairy bogeyman called Derek Whelan hiding under a child’s bed in dire need of a bigger place to live. But the real Mr Whelan, a long term business customer of the bank, contacted staff concerned about being associated with the grisly looking character.

The ad was changed and the mythical monster now has the more harmless name ’Dave the Bogeyman’. A BoI spokesman said the change was made as soon as the customer contacted them.

“We had a contact from somebody of the name Derek Whelan who asked us not to use his name. He had a concern with his name being used and in deference with his sensitivities we had no difficulty in making the change,” the spokesman said.

I can see it now...


"Certainly sir. I will pass on your message to Chip Lazarus, hotshot Wall Street banker. He loves massive business deals... And augmentation... So, if I could just get your name?"

"No problem at all. My name is Derek Whelan."

There is an audible gasp over the phone.

"You're... Derek... Whelan."


"But, you're the..."

Suddenly, the receptionist screams loudly. We hear the sound of a phone bouncing off a desk. The screaming continues as we hear a cacophony of high heels hurriedly banging across a cavernous room... A window smashes... The scream slowly fades away, the gentle tingling of glass fragments on the office floor creating a haunting cadence... A shattering bang.



He gently closes the front door behind him, ignoring the caustic July chill. He shivers. Before him stand his wife and son. They look agitated.

"Honey, is everything alright?"

His wife stares at him, shaking. Without warning she lunges at Derek. She empties a can of mace into his face. She then viciously and repeatedly kicks him in the testicles. Agony.

"Get the fuck away from me! Get the fuck away from our child! You MONSTER!"

Jesus H Christ! With such a complaint, one can only assume that Mr. Derek Whelan assumed that people might have jumped to the following conclusion had they watched this ad in its original form: He (Derek Whelan) is actually the bogeyman.

The sheer terrifying Stupidity! Never mind the possibility of people thinking about another Derek Whelan eh? Yours is such an exotic and distinctive name after all.

Words fail me. Except this one: Gobshite.


aoife mc said...

Hilarious. If Derek thought he was going to come into problems because of the namesake thing, I wonder how he feels now that his utter eejitness has been reported in every paper?

John Cav said...

Sadly Aoife, that man is probably so far up his own hole as to be completely unaware of how ridiculous the whole scenario is...

I should pity the fool. I don't.

John Cav said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Michael Nugent said...

Unless... he actually is the bogeyman?

John Cav said...

Oh, Michael, how I truly wish that were so.

Derek Whelan, I find you offensive.

Derek Whelan said...

I am the real Derek Whelan, and I was quite happy to be associated with those ads! That guy really p***ed me off...

Anonymous said...

being the son of the actual derek whelan who complained I can tell you that the complaint was made due to conflict initiated when a multi-million dollar business account was terminated after several years. Some call that coincidence...
he actually specifically requested it be kept out of the media as he didn't want to cause such a "furore" amongst the educated and opinionated, such as yourselves.

If you weren't such a small minded degenerate, I might find you offensive. But maybe you're so far up your own hole you won't see the bogeyman's son coming.
I'll look forward to the nex mediat article you choose to waste your life criticising. May I suggest a video whining about britney spears?

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