Monday 27 August 2007

Dave The Creationist From Birmingham

I find a seat. I am diabolically hungover. The sweats refuse to relent as I patiently await the departure of the 20.05 bus from Galway to Ennis. The bus fills quickly and a jovial looking stranger takes the seat beside me. The callous bastard. A forced smile. He introduces himself...

His name is Dave. He is from Birmingham. He is very pleased to meet me. He wants to ask me a personal question... He wants to know if I believe in evolution. The reason he wants to ask me such a thing? Dave is a creationist. Dave is trying to help spread the wisdom of creationism throughout Ireland. A pamphlet comes out of his auburn satchel. The title of which is Genesis - The FACTS. He pops a Belgian breath mint. I know it is a Belgian mint because he tells me that it is a Belgian mint. It reeks.

The bus has not even left the station yet. I fear the worst.

From Galway to Gort this damaged Brummie pontificates about creationism and the follies of modern materialism. He quotes the Bible. He produces other leaflets. Gripped by The (Mild But Rapidly Worsening) Fear, I can do nothing but sit there and offer feeble and sporadic incoherences...

"Scientific evidence... mumble, mumble... dinosaur fossils... mumble, mumble... each to their own... mumble, mumble... don't care really... mumble, mumble... dinosaur fossils... mumble, mumble... I really hate Fionn Regan... mumble, mumble... Jack Daniels & Red Bull... mumble, mumble... inflatable armbands... mumble, mumble... Ghanaian snails... mumble, mumble... shovels and crockery... mumble, mumble... dinosaur fossils."

However, nothing will stop him. Nothing except our arrival in Gort, his stop. He leaves with a cheery goodbye and a rustle of my hair... The horrible, horrible fuck.

Dave, my tardy and vicarious riposte:


Everyone, I am never drinking again.

3 comments:

The Swiss Job said...

I think when you've had a shedload of pints and you feel like death warmed up, there's an invisible forty foot neon sign slapped to your forehead declaring "Come one and all. Piss me off because I have just enough energy to get worked up but not enough to do anything about it". And they all jump on the bandwagon, the bastards!

John Cav said...

They most certainly do.

However, the worst bus trip I have ever endured was during another Jack Daniels comedown... It involved a woefully pungent homeless man, a bag of half-eaten bananas, and the following statement from him to me:

"Those pants look very comfortable."

Come to think of it, he also got off in Gort. Hmmm.

Michael said...

That is indeed a multi-layered riposte, John. Not only does Eddie label the 'incomplete theory versus magic' debate, but when he is talking about flies trying to get through a closed window without seeing the open window beside them, he could well be talking about Dave's method of reasoning.