Tuesday 3 July 2007

The Irish Independent Is Total Bollocks

IRELAND'S MOST STYLISH 2007.

The 198 most chic people, places and things in Ireland this summer.

This was the cover feature of the most recent Sunday Independent LIFE supplement. Of course, the list was a compilation of the most vacuous rubbish imaginable. However, it did provide some useful bullet points for anybody caring to argue for the immediate cessation of this utterly useless newspaper... How misguided can some people be? Very much so, it would seem.

Some random examples from their compilation of festive ineptitude:

17. KATY FRENCH.

This is what the Sindo had to say about the French: "There are no limits to the talents of this multitasking modern miracle." Fuck me. That is perhaps the least sensible sentence ever written. In any language. Ever.

30. TRUE SMOOTHIES.

"The homemade smoothie can have the character of mushy warm fruit and none of the slightly icy panache of the shop bought drink. Thanks to Corrin Hill's new tubs of frozen yogurt, however, you can recreate that true smoothie mouth-feel at home."

In other words... You can simply buy some fruit and frozen yogurt. Then put them in a fridge or freezer, thereby making them cold. Imagine. Then you blend them, while they are cold. Wow. And then you drink the blended fruit and yogurt - the 'smoothie' - while it is cold. Amazing. You can also add ice to the mixture afterwards, thereby making it even colder. Gasp... Jesus, have soccer moms and IT girls really become this fucking stupid?

46. MANIC STREET PREACHERS 'SEND AWAY THE TIGERS'.

Sorry, but on what planet are the Welsh whingers even remotely relevant anymore? Political pub rock endorsed by Ray D'Arcy and his ever chipper Today FM posse... Futile.

57. SWIMWEAR FOR REAL WOMEN.

As opposed to swimwear for androgynous unicorns? Posh Spice is actually a real person folks. She is just too thin and has hilarious implants. There is a subtle difference.

65. XPOSE.

"There's no denying our insatiable appetite for all things celebrity and TV3 has cleverly tapped into that. The women can swoon over the style, while the men can do the same over the totty."

What totty?

146. STYLE MANUAL.

Ross O' Carroll-Kelly's Guide To South Dublin: How To Get By On, Like, €10,000 A Day.

Fucking hell, Paul Howard has really milked this one, wha? Yes, a lot of Southsiders are preening materialistic idiots. Krystle and Lillies, birds, rugby, Mercs... Har, har, har... Move on. Author and readership. Please.

159. JOHN O' DONOGHUE.

"Former Minister For Fun."

Wankers. Both him and you Sindo. Both him and you.


So, there you have it. A compendious selection from the 198 mentioned in this absolutely fabulous feature. I could have selected many more examples, but the mind numbing tedium had just become too much. My apologies.

The Irish Independent: a 'broadsheet' staffed entirely by thesaurus wielding tabloid journalists/shitehawks with a collective penchant for irrelevance.

The Irish Independent: the employer of both Kevin Myers and Ian O' Doherty.

Enough said.

2 comments:

aoife mc said...

Good fuck. The Sunday Independent makes me want to emigrate.

John Cav said...

I like trees. Trees are nice. Why do they have to cut trees down to print that shite?