Tuesday 5 June 2007

The Comedy Of Forward

It is always the same. The inbox opens up in front of you. Unread messages twinkle with promise. Hope springs eternal. Until... The realisation. Most of these new messages are forwarded ones, "funny" ones at that. With a sense of terrible inevitability you open them. Your natural optimism refuses to subside, even at this late stage... The email is open now... You feel sullied and cheap... Not even a flicker of a smile had dared to tease. Nothing. "Why is this funny?", you ask. "Who finds this stuff funny?" The stale chisel of unoriginality hammers away at your soul, harsh and unforgiving. Shards of humour and will-to-live are are shorn from the remnants of you. Eventually all that remains is a pale, photoshopped imitation of a man. He longs to laugh again, but he knows he never will.
Action is needed my friends. Here and now. Let us ban forever the sending of comedic emails to work colleagues and friends... Why? Firstly, these emails are very rarely funny. Secondly, everybody has seen them all before. Irrespective of what you may think comedy forwarder, there are actually no new funny forwarding emails. None. About sixteen comedy forwarding emails were initially sent in 1998 and they have been circulating since... This morning I received just such an email. An email I had received at least ten times before. Did not laugh then. Did not laugh now.
So hear me then office employees! (Yes, this scurge is predominantly of your doing.) Cop the shite on! Stop wasting everybody's time... It is not funny... Stop constantly looking over your shoulder for your dept. supervisor... It is not funny... Stop crossing the office floor to get Gaz from accounts to come over and look at the email on your screen, and then sending the fucking thing to him... It is not funny... Furthermore, stop wasting your employer's time. He/she could never have known what an unproductive wally you are when he/she hired you... It is not funny... Do the honourable thing folks. Quit now. Vacate your seat next to Noreen with the two kids and 7,543 pictures of them... The internet café owners of this world will thank you when you do. In these cafés you can safely practice your idiocy without fear of reprisal. Just do not send me anything. Ever.

"Oh look, a new email from Gaz. Oh look, a picture of a white duckling waving its wing at some black ducklings, and somebody has written "Niggers!" above it... That is so funny, because it makes the white duckling seem racist, even though this is of course impossible. Ducks are incapable of cognitive thought you see. Erego, they are incapable of such bigotry and hatred. There is also the juxtaposition of the cuteness of the ducklings with such a socially aberrant message... The hilarity of it all. Really."

Stop sending this crap. Please.

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